Self-care (lightbulb moment)

So I’ve been busy–too busy to write regularly here, with good things. After a whirlwind of awful last spring/summer, I’m in full bloom again. Somehow. Miraculously. Last summer was about group therapy for alllllll of us. Which for me, meant nonstop driving kids back and forth, back and forth. I never got my garden started in May. We didn’t do much fun stuff. I wasn’t working but also wasn’t LIVING.

Last fall I went back to work very part time doing basic receptionist-assistant stuff. It was a great toe back into the water. Then, the Universe stepped in with a big gift. I was contacted by an old employer, wondering if I’d freelance for them again… which led pretty quickly to a regular 20-30 hours a week, flexible, from home. It’s not stressful, but it is challenging. It’s not boring. It pays well. I feel lucky to continue to work for causes I’m passionate about (affordable housing, childcare, mental health, and more). Sometimes life just hands you a prize on a platter.

Best of all, the kids are busy and happy. Elder is working two part time jobs, and loving them both. We barely see them, and that’s just as it should be at 17. Younger is in and out constantly, using their pool pass, hanging with friends, and camping nearly every weekend with scouts. It’s the biggest gift of my life to have them healthy, happy, and just back to normal.

I’ve been alternate day fasting for a couple months, and joined a social media group for women doing the same. I’ve found it to be a remarkably easy lifestyle to get into. I haven’t lost miraculous amounts of weight (though I’m losing some, very slowly)… but my health has been better. Aches and pains gone. Improved sleep. Improved mood. No more cranky gut.

A woman posted to the fasting group something that made me realize how far I’ve personally come (with the help of last year’s intensive therapy, and my ongoing desire to continue to improve myself)… she sounded desperate. Trying to lose weight, hating herself but trying to love herself… and it reminded me of an epiphany I had a couple months ago.

All through my therapy, there was a lot of talk about “self-care.” None of it ever resonated with me. I thought it was about painting your toenails or taking a bubble bath and… well, who has time for that? And does it really make you feel that much better? (Not me!) Anyway… I FINALLY realized what self-care really is, and I wish someone had explained it to me better before… self-care is HARD WORK. It’s doing the things even when your mood is shitty. Like journaling. It’s anything that helps you self-regulate your emotions (without food, alcohol, drugs). It’s learning to SIT WITH bad feelings instead of numb them. So music, art, walks, etc. And it’s also recognizing that sometimes NONE of these things help. It’s also proactive. It’s about exercising your boundaries so you don’t get to the place of overload, stress, negativity. It’s exercising because it’s good for your mental health, not because you especially like it.

For a long time I thought self-care equated to pampering. And I recognize now that it’s just doing the hard work of taking good care of your body and mind, and it’s not about pampering at all. My fasting is a major form of self-care. Most of the time it’s easy. Every couple weeks I’ll have a hard day or a hard couple of hours within that day. It’s about persevering because I know it’s amazing for my gut health and my relationship with food.

I’m feeling more balanced, WAY more calm than I ever have before. The kids have their mixed up days, their days of crossing lines (and requiring some form of talk or consequence)… these things used to dictate my mood and my own productivity and interest in hobbies, etc. It’s amazing how much more resilient I am. THAT is just my therapy (and continued work through the uncomfortable, and holding myself more accountable)… kicking in. I am no longer entwined with their day-to-day in an unhealthy way. (Pandemic made me severely codependent.) I’m more of what I wanted to be–their steady rock. Not quick to overreact to anything (good or bad), but calm, encouraging and stable. And also, for the first time in a long time, busy with my own stuff! Work has provided an outlet for writing and also just for interaction and interest in bigger things than what’s inside my 4 walls here… and I’m also picking hobbies back up. My garden is on track, my personal writing is started again, and I’m just… busy with my own stuff.

This is a very aimless post, with probably very little value to anyone but me. (Probably I just should have journaled today instead.)